Jokes: please post them here

a hunter is out in the country hunting for ducks and sees some flying by
he takes aim and fires managing to hit one
the duck falls down from the sky and bounces off a barn roof and into a back yard
the hunter climbs over a fence into the back yard to retrieve the duck and is greeted by a large guy who asks what are you doing in my yard ?
the hunter replies ‘just retrieving my duck’
the large guy states its my yard so its my duck
the two of them argue for a while until finally the large guy says ok lets settle this country style
the hunter asks whats country style, the large guy explains that we keep kicking each other in the balls until there is only one man standing and they keep the duck, the hunter agrees
the large guy says I go first and kicks the hunter so hard that he collapses to the floor in agony but after 30 mins of screams and pain he manages to stand and says ok now its my turn
the large guy says no its ok you can keep the duck

6 Likes

the past, the present and the future walk into a bar

it was tense :stuck_out_tongue:

5 Likes

Scandanavian here, so I gotta tell a Norwegian joke… (uh oh)

How do you get a one-arm Norwegian down from a tree?

Answer

You wave to him

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I don’t know of any jokes that could make you laugh in English, but I’m gonna try to translate an Italian one just to try. I know it might not make you laugh, but that’s the best I could do:

At the hospital.
Visitor: Hi, Giacomo, I brought you a gift.
Giacomo: Thank you, what is that beautiful thing?
Visitor: A camera.
Giacomo: And what am I going to do with a camera in these conditions?
Visitor: It’ll be useful to record yourself!

3 Likes

Hunting with a freind
-Freind faints
-Calls 911
Other freind says"Hello! My freind just fained, what do i do!?
Police says “relax, just make sure hes actually dead”
Shoots freind
Other freind says “ok now what!!”
Police realizes (And in the backround other freindsays what do i do!)

4 Likes

Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was incredible.

How do you teach a kid to climb stairs? There is a step by step guide.

What is a centipede’s favorite Beatle song? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand…

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

Why is it always hot in the corner of a room? Because a corner is 90 degrees.

Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Because she was stuffed.

Have you heard of the band 1023MB? They haven’t got a gig yet.

I saw a documentary on TV last night about how they put ships together. It was rivetting.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.

As I get older, I think of all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t such a good idea.

How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor.

What do computers and air conditioners have in common? They both become useless when you open windows.

“What time is it?” I don’t know… it keeps changing.

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Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

What did the doctor say to the gingerbread man who broke his leg? Try icing it.

Man, I really love my furniture… me and my recliner go way back.

A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks… “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

What is a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling!

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought, “I can’t turn that down”.

How does a scientist freshen their breath? With experi-mints!

A Skeleton walked into a bar he said I need a beer and a mop

My friend told me that pepper is the best seasoning for a roast, but I took it with a grain of salt.

Where do fish keep their money? In the riverbank

Never take advice from electrons. They are always negative.

Why was the strawberry sad? Its parents were in a jam.

I asked a frenchman if he played video games. He said “Wii”

Why didn’t the number 4 get into the nightclub? Because he is 2 square.

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I’ve always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.

To the person who stole my anti-depressant pills: I hope you’re happy now.

3 Likes
$ make love
make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

$ \(
bash: (: not found

$ happiness
bash: happiness: not found
$ love
bash: love: not found
$ kill
kill: usage: kill [-s sigspec | -n signum | -sigspec] pid | jobspec ... or kill -l [sigspec]

// Here's a IF specific one, based on the original
$ [ I uploaded the file to my hosting account but I cannot find it. Where is it now?
bash: [: Missing ']'
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How very average Linux user.

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did you ever hear about the dude that dipped his balls in glitter ?

it was pretty nuts

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I gonna use this pun as a comment in my code.

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Guy goes to the doctor, doc says “you have 6 months to live”. He couldn’t pay his bill, doc gave him another 6 months.

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What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

What did the calculator say to the student? You can count on me.

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives

I’d like to start a diet, but I’ve got too much on my plate right now.

Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in The Bahamas. These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? a labracadabrador

My wife told me to rub the herbs on the meat for better flavor. That’s sage advice.

Why was ten scared of seven? Because seven ate nine.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
BREATH!!

How do you get a baby alien to sleep? You rocket.

How can you tell a vampire has a cold? They start coffin.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

It doesn’t matter how much you push the envelope. It will still be stationary.

Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter. Doctor: I don’t follow you.

Can February march? No, but April may.

A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor crisps. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What kind of award did the dentist receive? A little plaque.

The other day I was listening to a song about superglue, it’s been stuck in my head ever since.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

2 Likes