big inhale
Yeah, things aren’t going that well. Seriously just want to cry, as I don’t know how to give up (although it’s for the better to keep going, it still hurts).
I’m very conceited to think that I could get to the quality I want in a few months, but it feels that I got no ideas in my head, and when they come I can’t get them down. I’m randomly placing notes, likely because I’m doing it at night when I’m tired, but my general burnout, laziness and ADHD really make it hard to focus. I just end up goofing off. So far the longest music making session that I’ve recorded is an hour a half only. Aah, take me back to the days when during MEA break I coded for around 8 hours straight for 2-3 days and could actually focus!
And then there’s the times where I go down rabbit holes but not for the hobbies I want (spent a lotta spare time in school today reading about Stuxnet and thinking about how I can analyze malware for the benefit of humanity). Why is it so hard to get my crap together and focus? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Oh and there’s also so many other anxieties pushing at me. Not to mention ACT tests tomorrow, although they don’t bother as much as the pressure from so many other things like music
One of the reasons why I am indecisive is that I believe that, like with 3D modelling, I’ll just waste some time and resources and then give up (although 3D modelling lasted not even a week, so several months is a stronger sign). I’m worried that I’m not “worthy” of upgrading and that really, because I’m bad with LMMS then I’m gonna be bad with FL Studio (although I do love how it is a lot easier to visualize and control your music within that context. That may be one of the reasons I don’t get the sound I want, especially because a lot of the sound tutorials require more proprietary mixing and effects that are much easier to use in FL than in LMMS).
Oy, my head is spinning every day. You should see my music journal that I started. Almost entirely pure criticism.